my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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