there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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