tonight lets celebrate not being married
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
whose parrot is this?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Randomize
