I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
