Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
