My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
