So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
