Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
