I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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