I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
