It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Do you remember whose house we're in?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
