Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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