Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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