i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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