____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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