I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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