if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
