and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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