Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
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