Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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