there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
