I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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