I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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