Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
