my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
