Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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