Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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