He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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