The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Randomize
