I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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