I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize
