Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
