I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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