I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
