Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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