while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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