i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
