went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
