I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
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