Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
