I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
