I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
