During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Just pee around me
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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