I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
