Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
