mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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