I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Randomize
