Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
