watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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