It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
